Mind: Men Are like Pez

After a couple described their marital problems to a therapist ...

What's the disconnect here? On a behavioral level, they're just caught in a loop of mutual and escalating attack. But applying Brizendine's distinctions about empathy shines a slightly different light on the interaction.

First, Andrew is trying — really trying — to understand Lacy's anguish by using his analytical TPJ. But Andrew's cognitive empathy may be overwhelmed by the pace and verbal power of Lacy's emotional processing. At the same time, Lacy's MNS is scanning futilely (especially Andrew's face) for emotions that just aren't there. Andrew has them on hold as he tries furiously to get the situation organized in his head. Lacy begins to panic because there's no one home over there. She's feeling abandoned, once again. Andrew becomes increasingly frustrated and angry because neither his analysis nor his solutions are producing any relief for Lacy.

In other words, the loop that Andrew and Lacy are caught in includes not just a spiral of mutual attacking, but a sincere mutual attempt to understand and take care of each other. Unfortunately, it's as if they are looking at each other through the opposite ends of a telescope.

Brizendine's idea of cognitive vs. emotional empathy, for instance, springs to life in the faces of Andrew and Lacy as they miss each other's meaning again and again during their fight. While Andrew can tolerate a few seconds of feeling Lacy's emotions in his own body during an argument, he switches quickly to a more cognitive mode to shut out the internal distraction, and instantly loses his gut level connection to Lacy's feelings. Lacy, meanwhile, experiences Andrews analytical probing as mechanical and unloving. Lacy's oft-repeated protest you just don't get it is as infuriating to Andrew as his frustrated you're crazy is to her.

Like the cognitive/emotional gap between sexes, the verbal/mechanical split can play out dramatically in therapy when one partner (often a male) has far less ability to describe or even name emotions. It's surprisingly common, at least in my practice, that a man will have trouble saying more than I feel bad or I feel good. When you press for more specificity, he goes painfully blank. This can lead the other partner (often a woman) to feel frustrated, unseen and unappreciated in her full emotional complexity.

Once, in a session with Andrew, as I was encouraging him to just articulate what feeling was right there, on top (in this case, feeling criticized), Lacy snatched up a Pez dispenser that had been left in my office by a child and shouted, Like this, Andrew. She popped out five tabs in quick succession. Just say the first thing, then the second, then the third. Like that. Her outburst shut everybody up for a beat or two, then all three of us laughed out loud.

For much more, see Russell Collins: Men Are like Pez by Russell Collins, November 3, 2010 at Noozhawk.